How To Be A Social Media Simpleton

social media fail

We all know ‘those’ people. The ones who seriously make us consider leaving a particular form of social media for all of about, ooh, 5 seconds. The ones who make you look up how to block/mute/hide/ignore, but then decide against it as you are far too nosy. The ones who we deride for their poor social-media skills. In the unlikely event that you would ever want to become one of ‘those’ people, simply follow my guide below:

facebook

1. The cryptic statusĀ 

This, in my opinion, is the worst. The sort of status that is BEGGING for attention. You know – ‘Some people need to keep their noses out’ or ‘I’m so upset right now – how can people be such dicks?’ It’s letting whoever ‘people’ are know that they are annoyed, without confronting them directly. It’s about as passive-aggressive as you can get. And then, when all their concerned/nosy friends comment ‘OMG – are you OK?’ and the poster replies with ‘I’ll message you’ GAH. Because deep down, we all really want to know what they mean.

2. The game invitations

They’ve started playing a new game, and they’re hooked. They’ve used it to procrastinate instead of doing something useful, and suddenly they discover that to be able to do another level/task/quest they need to pay or add a million new people into the game. In an addiction-hazed fog, they turn to Facebook and try to add their friends, resulting in far too many unwanted notifications that you annoyingly mistake for a real gesture of friendship or human contact.

3. The quizzes

How many quizzes can these evil fiends think of?! I’ve done 100% of quizzes that are a poor distraction from the pressures of the real world, and most of them seem to just use randomisers to get their answer. How can knowing my favourite colour determine what career I’m best suited for?! I wouldn’t mind, but at least don’t pretend that this quiz will serve as any more than a very brief form of entertainment.

4. Group and comment notifications

Ooh, I have 300 new notifications – I wonder which of my friends are trying to get in touch with me, and what they’re wanting to say?! Oh no wait. I’m part of a group from some event and some people have spent all day writing on it about a private in-joke or a subject entirely unrelated OR just posting stickers. Alternatively I made a comment on someone’s status and now all their friends are also commenting and turning it into a full on conversation. Sigh.

5. Grammar Nazi

I turn into one of these with every post – the constant and flagrant misuse of your and you’re, their, there and they’re, and been and being make me furious to the point of unacceptably correcting a poor person going about their daily business.

twitter

1. The over share

Must tell all of my followers that I just had cornflakes for breakfast. Two seconds later – oops too much milk! Just on my way to work. Raining – sad face. I wish it was dry – I do like walking on crunchy leaves! Mmm lunch. Here’s a picture of my lunch. Here’s a picture of my friend’s lunch. I wonder what you’re having for lunch? Can’t be bothered doing work. Must instead spend all of my time telling twitter every dull non-event and thought in my life.

2. My life’s better than yours

I’m much healthier than you – I can prove this by tweeting about my morning workouts. I’m much more positive than you – here’s a retweet of an inspirational quote. I’m much funnier than you – here’s my sarcastic quip usually using some sort of swear word about a topical issue. I’m much more socially aware than you – here’s a link to a charity for which I do tireless work. How do you know that I do tireless work? Why, I tweet all about it of course!

3. Twitter is a great platform to complain

Hello company that has a twitter account – I shall name and shame you with a damning review of a recent service or product in a way I never usually would dare in the real world because here I’m safe and protected by the faceless mask of the internet. Oh, some poor person who works for this company has taken the trouble to reply and is extremely polite and apologetic – now I feel more than awkward for kicking off – argh should I reply? Probably will just say thanks like the true coward I am.

instagram

1. Selfie

I definitely want to see a photo of you after you have spent hours carefully applying makeup, doing your hair, and probably some crunches, just in case. This is likely the result of contorting yourself to ensure you get the best lighting and angle, and I can guarantee it isn’t your first attempt. Oh, and will have a hashtag along the lines of #natural #nomakeup #nofilter #LIAR

2. Holiday snap

Hotdogs or legs? Breadsticks or arms? Coffee or skin? Can you tell I’m on the most amazing holiday ever and yet instead of enjoying it I’m spending my time uploading loads of insanely flattering pictures?

3. Atmospheric location shot

Oooh pretty flowers with an unfocused filter – I’m so arty and interesting. A meadow in only sepia tones? Yeah, I can see the beauty in everything. I must be a fascinating and complex person that you want to get to know.

 

The worst thing of all? Worse than Facebook fumblers, Instagram annoyances and Twitter twats? I am guilty of every single one of the above!

Have I missed any of your social media pet peeves?