How not to be the perfect blogger

There are many bloggers who I admire for all sorts of reasons, and my recent trip to Blogfest has introduced me to even more amazing blogs that render me speechless with a worryingly furious envy. Reading these blogs has made me even more aware of how lacking in blogger-savvy I am, and so this post is all about why I will never be a perfect blogger.

1. I can’t take photos for shit.

There are some bloggers who pride themselves on their level of photography, not just sticking on the nearest Instagram filter and hoping for the best, but genuinely taking a proper photo with a real grown up camera (not just the crappy one on your generic smart phone which usually has some sort of greasy mark over the lens) and then EDITING it. Adding things like contrast, definition, jingle bells and so on (I added in jingle bells to see if anyone would notice it wasn’t a real editing technique – deffo got away with it.) My photos are just dreadful. If I haven’t got my finger over the lens, the focus is blurred, or I’ve taken it at an inexplicably wonky angle (probs drunk.) When I do manage to add a photo into a blog post I feel an overwhelming sense of pride, only to then come back to it a few minutes later and realise how dire it actually looks. Photos are not for me.

2. I can’t use technology to save my life.

You will notice some links on the left hand side of this writing. They are supposed to link up to thinkgs like my blog Facebook page and my Twitter account, or encourage you to sign up and ‘follow’ my blog, however I am 99% sure that they do not work properl/that no-one ever wants to follow me or my blog because I’m far too irritating (it must be the technology thing, right? RIGHT?!) I also would like to be able to change my blog layout and format around, or even just alter the background colour, or perhaps swap my photo for a much less obviously posed one. The reason I cannot do these things is because my technical ability is limited to being able to switch on a computer, and having the know-how to wiggle a cable a bit if something isn’t working. I’m not even entirely sure how my DVD player works (don’t tell Pedro – I’d never live it down). For these reasons, my blog does not have ‘widgets’ or ‘badges’ as I simply cannot be arsed spending an entire day getting hot, frustrated and increasingly frizzy as I attempt to work out how to make my blog as slick as everyone elses.

3. I cannot be bothered writing 40 drafts of a post.

At Blogfest I attended a ‘Find My Funny’ panel discussion (and before you all think you’re hilarious, no, I clearly didn’t find it) with some amazing writers such as Arabella Weir, Jon Ronson and Rebecca Front. They admitted to making as many as 40 edits of a post or article before publishing it – really?! I simply do not have the patience to read something that I have written that number of times – I’d be bored to tears (there might be another reason why I am not a perfect blogger, if my posts bore even myself). I am very aware that I am rubbish at ending posts – if you don’t believe me, check out the ending to some of my other posts – I bet I stop abruptly, ineptly try to write a conclusion, then put an open question in the hope of enticing even one or two comments, usually from a good friend, or worse, a relative. (Please please keep commenting!)

4. I don’t take photos of myself – ever.

Some stunning blogs have amazing photos of the author at a lovely day out looking impeccable and casually stylish. If I took a photo of me at a lovely cafe sampling delicious cakes you would all be unjustly exposed to my unruly hair swept up into a rubbish topknot to allow the chocolate from the cake to be all over my face, rather than in my hair. You would see that the carefully applied (slapped on with a trowel) concealer has melted away revealing hideous dark shadows under my eyes, and that my outfit is mismatched (but not in a chic stylish way) and my cardi has a hole under the armpit, and is probs inside out.

5. I don’t get sent beautiful products to review.

I love reading blogs where the author has been sent something lovely and perfumed to review – oh no wait, I feel an immense rage and jealousy. The closest I have got is a rather ranty and unsolicited review about First Class on a train – or some embarassingly gushy ones about restuarants where I had to pay for my meal, despite making Pedro feel mortified by a) taking photos of my food before eating it, not something I’d ever usually do as I’d usually be shovelling it into my face and b) talking VERY LOUDLY about my blog every time a waiter came near, all in the hope I’d be told that my meal was on the house. Sigh.

So there you have it – the reasons why I will never be a perfect blogger. What are your tips for the perfect blog? (See – told you I was rubbish at ending posts – see point 3 above!)

 

 

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