Me, my weight, and I

Yesterday I started my health kick. I should explain, this was in no way prompted by the men who were so rude to me the other day, but it was prompted by my reaction to it.

The truth is, if I didn’t consider it an issue myself, I wouldn’t have been so upset and hurt. Weight is something I’ve struggled with for many years. Even as a child I was never confident about the way I looked. In high school I was bullied by my friends, made to feel like an outcast from a social group I’d known from primary school. I started to take advantage of the freedom of walking to school to buy sweets from the local shops. One friend casually remarked one day that I was ‘always eating’. At a party when I must have been around 13 I remember two of the girls we hung round with (definitely not friends) holding my plate above my head and laughing at me. Even then I think I used food to cheer me up.

In high school I never thought I was attractive – looking back at photos now from sixth form I can see that wasn’t the case! I was curvy but slim, and finally when I joined a local youth orchestra I became more confident and my bubbly personality started coming through – and with this I started to get attention from boys. Nowadays I’m ashamed to keep up contact with my friends from school as I don’t want to see their shocked faces when they see how much I’ve changed.

It all changed when I went to uni. It wasn’t the experience I had hoped for, I found the lack of structure to my days difficult to deal with and would spend hours in bed watching tv and eating takeaways instead of going out, meeting new people and enjoying myself. I know this word is overused, but I think I was depressed. Inevitably, the weight piled on, and at the end of the three years at my graduation I was almost unrecognisable.

During my PGCE I was so busy and really threw myself into everything that the weight started falling off. I was happy and confident again, and felt great.

Now, 5 years into teaching, my weight is still too high. I’m beginning to notice that I’m tired a lot, and when I go out to a social event I feel anxious that people will judge me for my appearance, that I’m not wearing the right things. The worst thing is when I think I look good before I leave the house, then I compare myself to everyone there and feel hollow in the pit of my stomach. Or I catch a photo of the night – and I just think how disgusting I look.

So yesterday was a good day. I felt more in control as I’d decided what I was going to eat for the whole week the day before. I made a healthy lunch and tea, and it was all delicious.

It will be a long time I think until I feel like my old self again – any advice on how to keep this going long-term?

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14 thoughts on “Me, my weight, and I

  1. It sounds like you’re doing it for exactly the right reasons, huge good luck to you!
    I think the only way to stick to it is one day at a time and reward/treat yourself when you’re pleased with the progress.
    M x

  2. Always remember you are doing it for YOU. No one else. If you are doing it to please others you will get fed up. Always remember you are beautiful no matter what. Your self-esteem is directly related to how you see yourself. You sound very successful. Remember you are more than the body you posses. Also pay attention to your body’s needs, not your brain’s needs. A big battle will be differentiating between actual body needs and old comfort habits. They sometimes feel the same, but once you recognize the difference I feel that is half the battle. Good luck to you.

    • Thanks redoperaglasses – that’s really good advice! It’s definitely to help myself feel more alert and awake and energetic as well as to feel more confident about how I look. X

  3. Tim says:

    I find the hardest thing is eating healthy food when I’m in a rush. I catch a train to Sheffield almost four times a week and over the last year I’ve put on unnecessary weight by taking the easy option and getting a burger king or kfc. I’ve managed to now find lots of cheap, healthy alternatives which I’d be happy to share. I felt a lot of the things you described above during the last few months but now I feel like I’m on a positive mission. Keep it up x

    • Thanks tim – you’re so right. When I’m busy at work I feel as if I barely have time to do anything, and I think we both know the key to being healthy is preparation! I’m hoping that having moved in with Pedro will make it easier – having two people to help out with things like food preparation is bound to make it simpler! X

  4. Rachel Gray says:

    The exact same thing happened to me in that at Uni I piled on the pounds and was a size 20 as opposed to the size 10 I am now.
    I spent years trying every diet under the sun and scrutinising everything I ate. I beat myself up horribly along the way. Only when I fell pregnant did I give up the diet obsessions and just let my body dictate what I are and when. The minute I stopped obsessing I found that I found the right shape for me.
    I’m not saying getting preggers is the answer! Don’t freak Pedro out just yet! However, I do think that the less you think about it, as difficult as that is, the more naturally your body will be the heathy shape and size it is meant to be.
    You’re a terribly clever woman. You know what’s good for you and what’s not. Just keep that in mind and don’t deny yourself what makes you happy. Food can too easily become a supplement for other things when in face it’s just food and ultimately what we need to keep us going. Extremes will never work and, in my experience, one extreme will always boomerang to another.
    Stay healthy, stay happy and stay confident that you control your own being.
    Also, try hard to see what everyone else does which is a truly lovely person. Xx

    • Thanks Rachel – that’s amazing advice and good to hear it from someone who’s been through the same situation. I think you’re right about food becoming more to me than just fuel – and your comment has made me realise just that x

  5. Cat mania says:

    Luce – sincerely, you are one of the best people I’ve met during my time on this planet. You’re the friend everybody wishes they had and I’m so glad and thankful to have you as one of my bestest.

    Whatever you want from life, I will be here to support. Only you know what’s best for you right now and so honour and respect this feeling.

    Ps raspberry ketones are the devil.

  6. For me, I’ve found that always having a plan helped. Knowing what I was going to eat and when I was going to exercise, and when I was going to indulge kept me on track. It was also good for teaching, as it took all of the thought out of food. But I like structure. I would also encourage you to eat a lot of protein as well, as that keeps you feeling fuller (although don’t eat protein at the expense of fruit and veg – balance).

    I also find that exercise is essential, but the key is to find something that you actually like to do. I love weight lifting, so I do that, but others like yoga or running or sports. Dabble around and find something that is worth making time for.

    Hope this helps 🙂

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