Who you gonna call?

Last night, Housemate and I had a visitor to the flat. It wasn’t a takeaway delivery man (how rude of you to even think it!). Nor was it the rowdy new neighbours who recently moved in downstairs who were having a bit of a party. It was a spider.

I have been scared of spiders for as long as I can remember. A completely irrational fear, yes, but they terrify me. Last night was a classic example of mine and Housemate’s getting-rid-of-them tactics.

The glass and card method

Once, my friend Emma was staying over. We were comfy in pyjamas watching a girly film (standard). Suddenly we both caught movement inn the corner of our eye. The movement was so large I was half expecting to see a mouse. But no. It was a spider. THE LARGEST SPIDER EVER. It took Emma and I a good couple of hours to get rid of it, just because it took us that long to be brave enough to get near it. Before even going near it. we had rung every boy in the area to see if they were able to come and help us. Negative. I fetched a glass from the kitchen and ventured closer…it became very clear that the spider WOULD NOT FIT. I had to retreat back (Emma had to stay in the room to watch it to make sure we knew where it was) and fetch a Cath Kidston mug – you know the kind, they’re enormous. We both tried to get near it in order to pop the cup over it. We tried again and again and again, defeated each time the spider moved a leg a millimetre, or when our creeping fear got the better of us. I remember at one point the spider moving and we had to run and jump on the sofa to get out of the way. Just awful. Eventually I put the cup over the spider. It only just fit inside. We then had to have a lot of wine to calm down, and I had to wait til the next day to dare to finish the job and slide a card under the cup.

The broom method

This method is a Housemate special. She loves it. One of the first evenings when she had moved in with me we had a massive daddy long-legs in the front room (I know, I know, daddy long-legs aren’t spiders, what you going to do about it?!). It was flapping round the room (honestly it was so big I could swear I could hear its wings) and we were a pair of well-educated, adult professionals running round the flat screaming our heads off. Housemate insisted that I get a broom. I had never used this a getting-rid-of-spiders method before, preferring the catch and throw out of the window tactic, principally because I don’t like killing spiders as I think it’s mean, and because I live in fear that all the spider’s friends would come and seek revenge. However in this instance, we could see no other way forward. Housemate favours the broom as it means you can keep a good distance away from the spider/daddy long legs and then bash it against the wall. It probably took about an hour for us to manage to do this. And the resulting mess made me vow never to use the broom again.

The hoover method

So with our visitor last night this was the method we decided upon. It was not large in terms of it leg-span diameter, but it was large in terms of its body mass. It was in the trickiest place possible, right at the top of the wall against the ceiling IN MY BEDROOM. I was outraged at its cheek – a girl’s bedroom is sacrosanct. I called for back up – Housemate. I was all set to go with the glass and card method, but as Housemate soon realised, it was so high up the wall it would be tricky to reach, and was against the ceiling so wouldn’t allow much room to get the glass in. Housemate suggested another favoured trick of hers – the hoover method. This is one she traditionally uses for spiders on the floor, not ones on the ceiling. Some cunning would be needed. We brought the hoover into my room, and after a brief discussion of what the spider would prefer in terms of getting it used to the noise before putting the nozzle anywhere near it, we decided on a plan. In order to minimise the worry of ‘droppage’ (the spider dropping down the wall towards us) we stood underneath the spider and came up the wall with the nozzle. We got fairly close before completely freaking out and having to stop. To paint you a picture I was in my pyjamas, and Housemate was still looking lovely from an evening meal out. I had drunk one and half glasses of wine, so was basically hammered. We were a ridiculous pair. The spider started running towards another corner of the room. We had another go at getting the nozzle close enough, but again freaked. We paused for a moment – a brief hiatus while we considered our options. Housemate suggested the broom – but with moving out soon I had no desire to clean a spider-splat off the wall. Housemate is sporty, and talked me through a visualisation of how we would go about this mammoth task. Step 1 – hoover on. Step 2 – sweep the nozzle up the wall towards the spider. Step 3 – rejoice. And this time I went for it, mainly because the spider was now above the doorway preventing Housemate and I from ever leaving my bedroom. And we did it – there was a brief sickening moment when it didn’t seem as if the spider would go down the nozzle, and we couldn’t tear our eyes away in fascinated horror. The whole thing took us twenty minutes – a new record.

I am hoping that Pedro is a good spider catcher, and that from now on I won’t have to spend a ridiculous amount of time with various household objects trying to get rid of them…

So what method do you prefer for getting rid of spiders? Or are you going to call Housemate and I – spider-busters extraordinaire?!



6 thoughts on “Who you gonna call?

  1. Hahaha! I told you about my Arachnioso spider mob… I have become the gal who owns the corner shop and is too afraid to narc on la famiglia for fear of waking up dead. So I pretend I don’t see Harry, Larry, Jerry, Barry and cousin Charlotte, and sweep as many fruit flies in their directions as possible in the hopes it will buy me a little mercy. So far, so good. But they are watching.. always watching.

      • Yeah, they’re kinda creepy. Truthfully, I chuck them outside whenever I can, but I have been known to use the hoover method once or twice! 🙂 They can build all the webs they want OUTSIDE! But, living in an ancient house, cobwebs are just a matter of course. No sooner do you knock them down than they are back. -sigh-

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