Dear prospective tenant
We are delighted to hear that you are wanting to find a home and rent with us. The fact that you will giving us a lot of money to pass onto your landlord (after taking a generous cut, of course) really matters to us. However what you must realise is as the customer, you are the least important person in the whole process. In fact, there are many things that we can do to make this as difficult as possible.
Firstly we will make our websites tricky to navigate, poorly laid out, and with terrible English to help you in your search. One of the things we will delight in hiding from you is the date when the property becomes available. Clearly this is the least important consideration when you are moving house under a tight timescale. We will ensure our grammar and spelling is poor in order to convince you that we are the right match for the really quite minor choice of where you will be living for at least a year. We will also make it difficult to look between properties by ensuring our websites are poorly designed – so you can’t flick easily between the pages.
Another thing we can do to secure your custom is be spectacularly unhelpful when you phone us (you’ve probably become exasperated and frustrated by our website by this point). We will seem vague and uninterested in your plight, and give you sweeping general answers such as ‘Hopefully more properties will come up, sometimes they do and sometimes they don’t’ and ‘Mmm yeah I see what you mean’. We will do off-putting things like suck in our teeth when you mention that you have a cat. We will offer platitudes such as ‘we will definitely call you back tomorrow’ and then seem mildly surprised when, after waiting for several days, you call back to check up on us.
In order to persuade you to bring your highly sought after custom to us, we will ensure we are disorganised to the point of making you wonder how on earth we get dressed on a morning. We will cheerfully lose all of your details each time you phone, making you repeat everything endlessly. We will promise to send you information on any properties that come up that will available from the end of July, then happily send you emails about houses and flats available now/at the end of Decemeber 2017. We will not update our websites. EVER. But instead of giving helpful information to the clearly desperate (and hilarious sounding) young woman who has persevered and phoned EVERY DAY for the last two weeks, we will repeat our mantra; ‘check the website.’
And finally, when you do decide to rent with us, we will chase you relentlessly by every means of communication possible when we want something, but when you call up to report a repair or make a complaint we will ensure we are either unavailable, or, more exasperatingly, we will pass you from person to person in a never-ending wild goose chase of despair.
We look forward to welcoming you into one of our properties,
Your friendly local letting agent.