My Moving-In ‘Rider’

Rider: a supplementary clause in a performer’s contract specifying food, drink, etc., to be provided

A recent conversation about celebrities with Housemate (our level of knowledge of celebrity trivia is sometimes better than our knowledge of current events – we’re bad people) brought us to the subject of ‘riders’. This is where celebrities demand certain things to be available in their dressing rooms when appearing on a show or at a festival etc.

My Favourite Celebrity Riders

Mariah Carey – Cristal champagne drunk through bendy straws (brilliant – of course you should drink champagne through a straw). Mineral water to wash her dogs in (not a euphemism!) 20 white kittens and 100 white doves (which must make for a very messy room) and a request that all furniture be particular colours and have no busy patterns.  Classic Mariah.

Britney Spears – junk food – specifically MacDonald’s cheeseburgers without the bun. A framed photo of Princess Di (suitably bonkers), and a fine of $5000 if the phone ever rings in her dressing room (would this work on PPI automated calls?)

Lady Gaga – my all-time favourite. Posters of her rock idols – including Elton John. A very specific 56 bottles of water, half cold, half room temperature. Silver and black fabric drapes. And a mannequin with pink pubic hair. There are no words.

They all seem to have some common denominators: something to eat, something to drink, decor demands, necessary items (well, necessary if you’re a crazy multi-millionaire celebrity) and luxury items.

If I were a celeb, my dressing room rider would consist of:

  • My luxury/off the wall request: a box full of kittens: no less than 3, but certainly no more than 8. That would be carnage instead of cute.
  • My drink request: COLD water – I cannot stand water that isn’t refreshingly cold (it needs to make your teeth ache). I know it can’t be scientifically proven, but to me room temperature water just doesn’t taste as good.
  • My decor request: the sound of soothing waves lapping against a beach to be played in my dressing room. Plus an enormous sofa to nap on (I am a cat napper extraordinaire, much to poor Pedro’s boredom).
  • My food request: crisps and dip. Specifically plain tortilla chips with a selection of tex-mex style dips – ALL OF THE GUAC.
  • My necessary item: my phone charger to keep my phone constantly fully charged so I can pester Pedro with annoying texts, and continue on my never-ending cycle of checking facebook, twitter, and my blog stats ALL DAY.

With moving-in-with-a-boy on my mind, this made me consider what our ‘moving in’ riders would be: the list of ‘demands’ we would state as our living requirements:

Pedro’s Rider

Based on what I know of Pedro, I think that his ‘rider’ would include:

  • His drink request: Tea, tea, and more tea. A million cups (to the nearest million) a day.
  • His food request: Hmm tricky – maybe his steak and mushroom sandwiches with the red wine gravy he loves.
  • His decor demand: After a visit to one of my friend’s houses recently he expressed a man-envy of his large flat screen and surround sound set-up – so probably a cinematic style TV.
  • His necessary request: a lot of hot water – Pedro takes hour-long showers (HYPERBOLE ALERT)
  • His luxury request: a new computer chair with beer-cooler arm rests. Because he’s worth it.

My Rider

  • My drink request: diet coke. And lots of it. It gets me through tough days at work and through long rehearsals. It is a life saver.
  • My food request: PEPPERCORN SAUCE. I love it. On my birthday I shouted the phrase ‘PEPPERCORN SAUCE’ all night. ALL NIGHT. (I know, Pedro is a lucky man). And banana icecream (not together).
  • My decor demand: Tidy. I like minimal clutter, unless of course I have decreed it ok clutter. (Am I a control freak?!)
  • My necessary request: Power sockets for my phone charger – so I can check my blog stats all day long.
  • My luxury request: A Mulberry handbag. A beautiful, beautiful handbag of loveliness that will make me happy forever.

What would your ‘rider’ include?

 

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3 thoughts on “My Moving-In ‘Rider’

  1. This is hilarious!!! It took me until writing this comment to realise that Gaga wanted half the bottles of the total water cold not half of each bottle!
    I’m with Pedro on this I am constantly drinking tea (though I love diet coke too)
    I also love that you shouted ‘peppercorn sauce’ all night. hilarious!

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